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In this episode of Am...

We interrupt this programming to give you some bad news.

The blog writer is sad about a few farts.

But seriously, I'll be 100% honest with you. I really like to write and try to make you laugh, but today I'm not feeling up to it, so today (and also in honor of the recent gossip fortnight) I'm going to use this blog as a diary of a recent experience that has me very sad so that the three people who read it can learn a little about my life.

The truth is that I have been a person with a lot of self-esteem problems and “daddy issues” for as long as I can remember, which has made me very insecure in most of my relationships.

When I first started dating my last boyfriend, everything started off great, I felt so in love despite my insecurities. I'm an overthinker so I started to worry about how much I was checking him on my phone. I was constantly answering work messages no matter what time it was and I was always like this:

Now, if there is one thing my father inherited from me, it is a good memory (some call it resentment, but whatever). I will tell everything with dates because it is important.

On June 16th, I went to my boyfriend's house; it had been a really good day with him, but we got home tired. He fell asleep and only has one plug on his side of the bed, so I moved to another spot to charge my Nintendo Switch because I had been playing it. Shortly after, there it was, next to me: his phone. It was like having a devil and an angel telling me to do it and not to do it. But well, if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't be telling this story.

I grabbed my phone and saw a couple of things that, even though they weren’t a scam, didn’t sit well with me. One of his friends had invited him to a party and she told him: “Come on, come, there are going to be some cool girls,” to which he replied: “Then let me, I’ll dress up.” The other thing I found was a comment on the story of a girl he had dated several years ago; he wrote: “I remember that belt, I remember everything, even when you were really drunk in my car,” and things like that. A conversation that I considered flirtatious and out of place, but whatever. Lastly, I found a WhatsApp message that had happened on May 21 with a girl we’ll call “Paulina.” I felt my heart sink. In those messages, he insisted on seeing her and that she send him photos like he sent them to her, to which she replied: “And your girlfriend?” This WhatsApp message had very little conversation between them, nor did it show my boyfriend's photos, so it was obvious that he was deleting the messages.

I couldn’t handle the anxiety and sadness I felt, so I woke him up. He was confused at first, asking “what Paulina are you talking about?” When he found her, he said, “That Paulina? No way, she’s a friend’s ex-wife. But my friend is having legal custody issues and wants to catch her cheating,” or something along those lines. I asked him about the pictures and he told me that whenever he texted her, his friend was there and that they had sent pictures they found on the internet. When I asked him why he didn’t call his friend, he told me that his friend was on the run from the law, that all the messages between them had been deleted, that he had no way of contacting him because his friend had practically disappeared.

Yes, I know, it sounds like a ridiculous excuse. All my friends told me…

But part of constantly dealing with self-hatred is that you start to create codependent relationships. I talked to my psychologist about it; I couldn't just cut him off, I wanted everything he was telling me to be true, and she initially told me, “Bet on him, believe him.”

He and I talked and we had agreed that I would send a WhatsApp to Paulina explaining everything, and he promised me that when I sent her a message, I would be present.

There were months of constant fights, him yelling at me: “Why don’t you trust me? What did I do to you?” And every time I mentioned Paulina, he told me that it was over, that I should let it go, that I should learn to trust and forgive. He got so stressed that he told me he didn’t want to text Paulina anymore and blocked her.

We had good days and very bad days. If he took a long time to answer me, I only thought about him being with Paulina. Every time I heard the annoying whistle that comes when you get a message on a Samsung, I felt my stomach turn. At night I repeated over and over the conversation I discovered with him, trying to convince myself that what he told me was true, and in the wise words of Sabrina Carpenter I thought "please, please, please, don't give them the reason." I felt humiliated and like I was being mocked. I know that this is not the physical act of cheating and that each person has different limits, but I only think about the intentions when sending those messages, since it is not the first time I have found messages like this from a MAN.

Interestingly, during this time, he and I went to different parties and gatherings where some girl was called Paulina, and the truth is, I didn't remember Paulina's face in her WhatsApp photo, I only knew she was a brown-haired woman. Every Paulina I met was like reliving the messages, but he told me that none of them were him.

I looked on her Instagram and Facebook, but there was absolutely nothing.

There were Paulinas, but I knew that none of them was the Paulina from the messages. The truth is, the name Paulina has been haunting me for a long time, but those are stories for another day. I'm sorry if any of my three readers are called Paulina.

To make a long story short, last Friday I was in my daily routine of dissociating on Facebook and I saw that my boyfriend had posted something. I went to his profile and decided to start scrolling down. I was analyzing every “like,” every “I care” he was given, every comment he was given. I came across a post from October in which he said he was moving back to Chihuahua from Aguascalientes (at that time we were already dating and he traveled from time to time for work). I went to the “likes” and saw it. A girl named Paulina had given him “I heart it,” and this is something that had already happened to me, but I don’t know what I felt in my stomach and I knew it was her.

I started debating whether I should text her. What if she's a mean girl? What if it's not her? I decided to text her, which she promptly replied to and told me everything. Seriously, a crazy person can't be wrong.

The two of them had never met in person other than when they met 10 years ago; she was with my boyfriend's friend. She and my boyfriend's friend had been having problems. She had already thought about contacting me, but she was afraid that I would be one of those girlfriends who wouldn't believe her. She told me that she had deleted all the conversations, but she confirmed everything and told me that in one of the last conversations they had, he told her that he and I had broken up and that he wanted to see her. She wanted to meet me in a park that afternoon (which felt forbidden) to talk more and told me that her partner was not missing, that she had seen him that same day.

I confronted my boyfriend and he started saying that it was unbelievable that I didn't believe him, that I still didn't trust him. He threatened to break up with me and told me that this girl had nothing better to do than cause trouble, but that he had been honest. I confronted him about when he told her that we had broken up, and he told me that he only said that to trap her and that that was when he was going to tell her everything about his friend.

I said, “Aren’t I supposed to be there if you had a conversation with her?” to which he just said, “I don’t know, I don’t remember,” repeatedly. He asked me to block her (Spoiler: I didn’t). I know, if you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking, “cut it!” In fact, I know that if any of my friends, sisters, or any girl were in the same situation, I would give them the same advice. And honestly, I can’t figure out how to explain it here because, as much as I try to justify it, it sounds stupid.

Yesterday, Paulina sent me a message: “What do you think? I found a Facebook conversation.” This conversation happened on July 8 and 12 (after I found the messages). In these messages, he was insistent on seeing her, and that’s when he told her that he and I had broken up because of the messages I found. I felt sick to my stomach and sent them to him. He called me upset and said: “I don’t know why they are doing this to you. Give me the number, I’m going to confront them.” I just wanted an explanation; he said something stupid like: “Do you know how easy it is to edit a conversation?” I told him that if that were true, how was it possible that they knew the details? How could he ask me to trust him if he lied to me again?

I know you're wondering, Did you cut it now?

To which I respond:

Anyway, I really would like to tell you that this story ends with me being an empowered woman and me ending all these things that cause anxiety. That Paulina and I became best friends and disappeared into the distance Thelma and Louise style. But sadly that is not the case; I am two days away from turning 29 and I feel as insecure and stupid as I did when I was 16.

As I told you, everything that happened has made me sad and it has been like mental torture in which my own thoughts do not let me sleep, so I wanted to express them a little here.

The truth is, working here with all the personalities we have has been something that helps me a lot to deal with these things. For example, last Friday, while I was having a mental breakdown, everyone agreed to bring chilindrinas and do the farewell/birthday celebration of one of our cutters in the workshop with her basket of sweets. And although it sounds corny, I think that these are some of the best things about working in a place like this, because we are all dealing with different problems at home but we still take the time to make the work less monotonous and boring.

Best of luck, Diana! We will miss you.

If you've read this far, thank you very much for reading my sad story. Take care of your mental health and if your sixth sense tells you that something isn't right, it's for a reason.

And don't think I forgot your discount code. Tell them, Justin! 👉🏻👉🏻

Join us for the next episode of We Love Dresses, where I will tell you what I promised last week.